My friends and I were having a discussion surrounding music and my wife remarked, “That is the stupidest song in the world.” Naturally, this started a racaous debate over what, in fact, was the stupidest song in the world. (SIDENOTE: I could not find a definitive spelling for racaous (rok’-us), so I’m going with this one.) Anyway, to suppose that one could, in fact, pinpoint the stupidest song in the world is, well… stupid. Labeling something as stupid is subjective in nature, and what may be stupid to me isn’t necessarily stupid to you and vice versa. So we cannot, in fact, determine the stupidest song in the world, but we can, in opinion, argue about which songs are the stupidest songs in the world – just for fun, of course.
The absurdity of this debate still strikes me as funny, though. First of all, we would have to know every song in the world and rate its stupidity level to truly make this about the stupidest song in the world. So, it would be more accurate to call what we are discussing the stupidest song we’ve ever heard. Plus, we’d have to define a song. Do opera numbers count? Symphonies? Songs we make up for our kids or to remember things we’re taught in school? Next we’d need to define an era or at least an end date. With no end date, the list would be constantly changing as new stupid songs are released for public consumption (yes, you Lady Ga Ga).
Then, of course, comes the criteria by which we judge stupidity. Lyrics that make no sense? Horrible singing? Music that’s too simple or unoriginal? In the end, all we can go with is the way in which a song strikes us, which is why different people have such different ideas on this topic. This is what ultimately determines whether we love a song, hate it, or think it’s stupid. But there has to be some reason we can point to for our reaction to it. For this reason, I am compelled (and I am compelling all responders) to include the reasoning behind my top five choices for the title “Stupidest Song in the World”, which I will now present with no further ado. Feel free to disagree
5. Mony, Mony (Billy Idol) – I actually like Billy Idol and I believe this song is a remake, but it was a big mistake. The lyrics make no sense (on the surface, anyway). The dance-type beat is annoying. And, worst, it induces idiotic responses from drinking crowds that shout obscenities in the spaces between the lyrical phrases. I have nothing against obscenities, but this behavior seems… stupid.
4. Your Body Is A Wonderland (John Mayer) – This steaming pile of schmaltz panders to the female Cinderella complex in a way that is so sickeningly sensitive, it couldn’t possibly be taken as sincere. It’s calculated and manipulative, with all the suavity (is that a word?) of a politician telling you everything you want to hear until he’s voted into your pants, then going back on all his campaign promises. Only, this is worse because it preys on the female psyche, and because it makes an impossible standard for the rest of us men to live up to. Just ask Jennifer Aniston. If you want honesty ladies, I suggest “I’m Still A Guy” by Brad Paisley.
3. You’re Beautiful (James Blunt) – Forget about the whiny voice. Forget about the cheesy music. Even forget about when James starts the song at the wrong time and the producers LEFT IT IN THE FINAL MIX! The clincher for me here is the conflicting lyrics. In the verse, James sings, “She was with another man, but I won’t lose no sleep on that ‘cause I’ve got a plan.” Hmmm… I wonder what clever plan he has thought up. Well, in the chorus he tells us – “I saw you’re face in a crowded place, and I don’t know what to do, ‘cause I’ll never be with you.” Nice plan, stupid.
2. Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (Toby Keith) – If sticking a boot in your ass is really the American way, then not only is this song stupid, but deeply sick. America is better than that, Toby.
DRUM ROLL, PLEASE……………….
The number one Stupidest Song in the World is –
1. Macarena (Los Del Rio) – A ridiculous dance song that inspired a world-wide dance craze of equal ridiculousness, that turns out to be a toe-tapping ode to the girlfriend of a serviceman who sleeps with two of his best friends – at the same time!! That makes me feel like dancing, not! (Yes, I said, “Not!”). Enjoy it Macarena fans, you like The Stupidest Song in the World!
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This is, obviously, part one of a multi-part blog on songwriting from a music theory perspective. Like most things you would learn, the information herein will probably make little sense at first or feel like parts are missing. Well, parts are missing. Eventually, everything will be touched upon, and we’ll make it full circle back to the beginning. Since we will make a full circle, it is not necessary to follow these blogs in order. If you’ve arrived at part four first, don’t worry. If part one leaves you scratching your head, don’t worry. It will all start to make sense once you get the whole bird’s eye view. So, let’s venture on, shall we?
In the major-minor system, of which a vast majority of modern music is composed, there are 12 major keys and 12 minor keys, one each for every note of the chromatic scale. We’ll address exactly what a chromatic scale is in a different post for those not familiar. Minor keys are relative to major keys – again, we will detail this in a future post. For now, our discussion will be limited to the major keys.
All major keys are derived from a seven-note major scale. The major scale follows a particular pattern. That pattern is not important right now, except that since all the major keys follow the same exact pattern, the theory behind them is exactly the same for all the major keys. That’s good news ‘cause that means we only have to learn one set of guidelines, and we can apply them to all the major keys.
Because a major scale has 7 notes, a major key will have 7 diatonic chords, one for each note of the scale. Three are major chords, three are minor, and one is diminished. The diminished chord is rarely used and will be tabled for future discussion. That leaves us six chords to worry about – 3 major, 3 minor. We will abbreviate these chords with Roman numerals, using capital Roman numerals for major chords and lowercase Roman numerals for minor chords.
The three major chords in each major key are I (one), IV (four), and V (five). The three minor chords are ii (two), iii (three), and vi (six). Thus, each major key has the following chords – I, ii, iii, IV, V, and vi. Simple so far, right?
Each of these chords has one of three musical qualities to it – tonic, subdominant, or dominant. Tonic chords give a feeling of rest or completion. These chords have minimum tension. Subdominant chords have a feeling of mild tension, as if something is leading somewhere – sort of a definite middle point that can go off in any direction. Dominant chords hold maximum tension. Dominant chords feel like they have a strong need to resolve to a tonic chord to give the ear a sense of completion. The tonic chords in a major key are I, iii, and vi. The subdominant chords are ii and IV. And the lone dominant chord within a major key is the V chord.
In the case of songwriting, most song parts – verse, chorus, bridge – are built around a chord progression. A chord progression is a repeating series of chords. A progression in its most basic form follows a path from a tonic chord (rest) to a subdominant chord (mild tension) to a dominant chord (maximum tension) and back to a tonic chord (completion).
The prime example of this, and a popular progression used in countless song parts, is the I, IV, V progression. The first chord is the I chord (tonic), followed by the IV chord (subdominant), followed by the V chord (dominant), then returning to the I chord (tonic).
There are tons of variations on this particular progression. One common one is to place a IV chord in between the V chord and its return to the I chord. In this case, the progression ends up being I, IV, V, IV. Examples of this progression can be heard in “Louie, Louie” by The Kingsmen, “Wild Thing” by The Troggs, “Hang On Sloopy” by The McCoys, and “The Joker” by Steve Miller Band. Other variations can be heard in “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake, “Keep Your Hands To Yourself” by Georgia Satellites, and “Family Tradition” by Hank Williams.
So, that’s all well and good, but how can you use this information in your own songwriting? Well, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to experiment with chord progressions that follow a tonic, subdominant, dominant, subdominant (optional) chord progression.
Chord progressions usually last a number of beats that is a multiple of four, so you’ll want your chord progression to span 4, 8, 16, or 32 beats. It’s easiest, in my opinion, to start with a 16 beat progression so each chord would last four beats. If your progression only has three chords, you’ll need one to last 8 beats. Chords are usually shown in even numbered beats so a I, IV, V progression could look and sound like I, IV, V, V or I, I, IV, V.
OK, so real life here. Let’s pick the key I feel is easiest to deal with, G major. In G major, the I chord is G (tonic). The ii chord is Am (subdominant), the iii chord is Bm (tonic), the IV chord is C (subdominant), the V chord is D (dominant), and the vi chord is Em (tonic). Thus, a I, IV, V progression in G could be G, G, C, D – each chord lasting four beats.
Here are some progressions that follow the tonic, subdominant, dominant pattern in G. Each chord lasts four beats. Try them out and experiment with your own!
• G, C, D, D
• Em, C, D, C
• G, C, Am, D
• Bm, Am, D, C
• Em, Bm, Am, D
Until next time…
Hey all,
Welcome to Cyberscribble! This blogging thing is new to me. I’m just learning what I can do with it and how, so bear with me as this thing evolves. Who knows what kind of monster it will grow into.
Rob









